Why is it so hard to stop yourself from totally beating yourself up as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, as a human being? It is far too easy to see your failures and take them to mean that you ARE a failure rather than just someone who has made mistakes and can get back up and move on. I've been reading lately about healthy growth patterns and grace is a big issue in being able to grow or not.
I realize that I have most of my life seen grace something like this:
"you screw up, you admit it, you're forgiven, you promise to do better"
Wait, you're thinking, (just as I am) that doesn't sound all that bad, right? Wrong! I was so surprised to find myself thinking," well, yeah, that's just what you do." Man, have I been living under the law. Now, don't get me wrong, admission of guilt,or recognizing your failure is a good thing. Denial will get you nowhere. And being forgiven is huge. I don't take those things lightly. It's just the "pull-yourself-up-by-your-boot-straps-try-to-gut-it-out-and-do-better" mentality I'm so prone to live by. When did magically finding the answer inside myself creep in and make itself at home in the instructions on how to live?
So, what is grace then, you ask?
It is technically, God's ability. Get that. God's. Not mine. It has to come from outside myself. It has to be something other than me. It has to be someone that I have to rely on other than dear ole' #1. It means relegating myself to #2 or perhaps far far far below that:).It means coming to the dead END of my own efforts to change, manipulate, hide and beat myself into that perfect person that I have set up as an idol in my mind. Transcendance. I heard that we all need a little (make that, ALOT) of transccendance in our lives. We need to know it's not all about us. We need to know that we are at the mercy of Someone far greater than us. And to be thankful for the precious life we are given and sometimes not given. And to follow His lead like you would if someone just rescued you from a deep deep pit. I need to live in an environment of grace where I am reliant on God; so much of the time through others; and be filled with the gratefulness that comes from recieving that which I do not deserve. Man, to get something for ABSOLUTELY nothing!!! That is scandalous! And breathtakingly amazing and loving! One of my favorite French phrases is from an old Catholic monk, "L'amour de Dieu est folie!" meaning, the love of God is crazy, or like pure folly. He is crazy to love us. But if crazy means He loves us unconditionally then I don't want Him to be sane. :) On that thought, goodnight.
Jump for JOY! There's grace!
Monday, May 4, 2009
I so haven't been keeping up with this...sorry fam. Here's a few pics of the boys lately. Vrai is so close to finally sitting up on his own and Wyatt is getting more and more hilarious with each new word he learns. Tim just dropped his phone into the toilet, so if you want to get a hold of him, you should probably try our home number or my cell...what a guy. :)
check out the cuteness.
check out the cuteness.